The smart decision is always a hard decision to make. Today Theo and I had a talk and in a nutshell it basically covered all grounds and we finally talked about what we both had in the back of our minds. Us. Theo can never do anything without yelling about it. I called him up and asked him what was up because he sounded like he had something on his mind. He did after I tried to dig it out of him. He told me about his kids and how he has to take care of them and how he did not want to be a deadbeat dad and so on. He was not going to sacrifice the time for his kids for a woman. He said he wanted to raise his kids and so on. In a nutshell, he can’t give me the attention we once had before because of his kids. And that the time he and Diedra broke up, they were having problems and he did not have a place to stay so naturally, he and I were together all the time. But now that he and Diedra are working out a plan for the kids and him watching them and he has his own house now, in a nutshell, he does not have time the way we used to anymore and he wants to raise his kids. End of story.
Gee that hurt, but it hurt because it was the truth. A truth that I knew of but it just hits home when you hear it in the open. When I begun the conversation I had initially asked to come over but after that conversation, I told him I changed my mind. I did not want to. He got mad at that too saying I was playing games, yada yada yada … I told him that I just changed my mind about coming over there after hearing all that shit (those were not my exact words). By that time, I was sobbing so hard and the snot was streaking down my face in globs, Theo could hear it and asked if I was crying … I told him no. I lied. Do you think I am going to let him know I was crying? Yeah right. He told me he was going to leave me alone and he hung up the phone. I cried and boo-hooed some more.
Well, he called me back about half an hour later and said he was not trying to hurt me. He asked me if I loved him and I told him I did. He asked how … I mean does anyone know HOW they love someone? C’mon what kind of question is that? I told him that it was accumulated all these years. Then he asked me to come over. So much for “I am leaving you alone”. {eyeroll} He left me “alone” for half an hour.
Then when I get to his house, he says he guesses that I am going to cut back on the sex. I told him no. Now ladies, you know that if you have a man who loves you like no other in bed, and you are single with no other man … are you just going to tell him no? I didn’t think so. He said his grandmother and mother thought it would be best if I did not stay the night over his house anymore or we would end up with kids. Damn, I mean this guy is just pounding me with left hooks from the left ANd right tonight. Double TKO. I asked him what did he think and he said he wanted us to continue the way we were.
The night ended with me leaving at 11:30pm and I got there at 10pm. As I left his house a thousand thoughts ran through my head. But the one thought that rambled through my mind was a single word that hit me like a knife in my heart:
EXCLUDED
I swore that word was written in black marker across my forehead when I turned to tell Theo bye. He told me to call him when I got home. I did but he did not pick up. Knowing Theo he just went back to sleep because he kept falling asleep when I was there anyway. As I left, I felt a two tears run down my face. Huh … that snuck up on me. I guess one for me because I can’t have who I love and a second for him because he will never be able to give anyone his heart completely and that he fucked up his own life having kids out of whim and now he can’t dedicate himself to himself or be with anyone else.
How do I feel? On one hand I am finally relieved that I know how we both stood and on the other hand, I am heart-broken because I know he and I can never be. It would never be right because he does not have time for me nor space in his heart either. Our relationship will never fit and I would never be happy.
I think in the back of our minds, we know we are never going to be for the simple fact is that I am single, have no kids and there is an entire world of available bachelors for me with no kids, no women, no bitch-ass babys’ Mommas to worry about breaking into their house, and no stipulations on the relationship. I know Theo like the back of my hand and the one HUGE peeve about him is he hates to be rejected; it punches a whole in his pride. He never wants to talk about the emotional shit because I think he feels that if we do … I am going to cut him off so he does not want to even journey in that direction of conversation. But as good as Theo’s heart is, it would not make sense for me to be with a man with 3 biological kids and a 4th assumed b/t two women at the age of 27. It would not make sense to myself either to intentionally put myself in a relationship in such conditions when there are plenty of option men out there. I don’t want to sound like a whore but in reality, that IS the way it is. I mean damn, Theo is certainly not the only man on this earth; I don’t want to be part of a harem. And second, the man I choose to have kids with, I don’t want the love of our household to be broken three ways. But on the same token, I still have the same feelings for the Theo I knew before he had all those kids. What a fucked up situation. Letting him go will be hard when the time comes but hey, it’s got to be done.
Oh well, put his card back, shuffle up the deck and see who comes up on top next. I am really curious to see who is next because it means I am going to meet someone new since I have used up all the men I have known in my life. You girls know what I am talking about. The Little Black Book only now its graduated to a Little Black Cell Phone for added security – it can’t be found. and like AOL, I hope he will be new and improved. In fact, I am going to make a rule list of my dream available bachelor. I’ll post it when I’m done.