i’ve been pretty much depressed lately about my job as a telemarketer which i loathe so much, the *signifigant other*, how i am going to pay for school, my car, worried about my Mom and sis … pretty much everything under the goddamn sun because everything under the sun is going wrong for me right now.
i have always believed in limiting the amount of people i have in my life because i care about people too much; i want to help people but in doing so, it leaves me vulnerable. meaning, i want to help people but they get on my nerves. helping once or twice is okay, but when its helping out with one or two things constantly … but then you have 5 other people who also need help from you … well that can get pretty damn tiring to the point you don’t want to help anyone.
i started reading up more on depression and it starts me wondering am i really depressed or just being lazy? i certainly don’t consider myself a “lazy” person; just sick of peoples’ bullshit actually. i used to be so energetic a few months ago, and eager to do things, but for this last two weeks or so, i have had not a headache but what feels like pressure around my forehead. it started out about 2 weeks ago as a sharp migraine that developed when i was at my desk at work (of course). i am not the type of person who has headaches. this was a first timer for me. then i started looking at the clock … seeing how slow time was going by i started to get mad and for the first time since i have worked there on and off since 1996, i yelled at a customer. and on my job, that’s a no-no.
i mostly outsource for at&t wireless calls so what happened was the customer bought a phonecard because his friend who worked for at&t wireless said he could. i told him that the $50 phonecard he bought does not work with the particular account he had, and he started yelling at me claiming he did not believe me, yada yada yada. and the phonecards are non-refundable so basically, he was s-o-l on $50. i tolerated him raising his voice at me at first and then i snapped. i felt myself about to snap but there was nothing i could do to stop it. so i yelled at him back, SIR IT’S NOT *MY* FAULT YOU WENT OUT AND BOUGHT THE WRONG PHONECARD!!! i don’t know how many people heard me, but once i realized what i said and how i said it, i immediately snapped my mouth shut and prayed to god that call had not been listened to by q.a. (quality assurance). all of our calls are recorded but not all are heard by anyone. of course he shutup then because he was surprised that i lashed out like that because customer service is not supposed to do that. i completely lost my cool.
MIGRAINE + ANGRY CUSTOMER = UNEMPLOYMENT
day after day since, it has just been a steady pressure on my forehead and i can’t take it anymore. so i took a few days off … lots of days off actually. i feel like i have not energy to do anything. malaise i guess is what its called. i always have a headache. i feel sad. down. i haven’t done my hair in days let alone washed. well, i do wash like every other day. but i just can’t bring myself to go back to that place. the minute i know i am going to work, the headache comes back. when i am around certain people it comes back. when i am at home, it only comes back if someone is here and I want to be alone. if i am alone then there is no headache. when i listen to music, there is no headache. when i watch comedy central there is no headache (joke).
i feel like i just want to pack my things and just leave. get away from this area and have peace of mind somewhere else until i can get my head back on track. make new friends and acquaintenececs (however u spell it. i know how to spell it but this is a blog for goodness sakes. no need to be politically correct all the time).