It’s been a long time since I have posted to my blog primarily because I have been so busy with school it’s ridiculous. I have no time to do anything and I don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of so basically this entry is just a bitch and vent. I had a bitchcake this morning so as you can see, these things are bothering me … I have never stayed up at 4am just to post to my blog before. I can’t sleep. But anyway …
My main problem right now is *I have no money* and have not time to work. I have been in school 3 weeks and I have 7 classes but I only have books for ONE class. The other 6 classes I am assed out on because the books for the classes are $100 or more a piece. I simply cannot believe these instructors cannot find an affordable book that teaches the same information. It’s just simply unfucking-believable. It’s a complete rip-off.
Then on top of that, I was SUPPOSE to get a music scholarship which was the reason I latched on to this opportunity to an education at one of the schools which is recognized world-wide. [eye-roll]. The amount was suppose to be anywhere between $2,000 to $5,000 you know, depending on how many other students registered this year. The scholarship money was suppose to be given to me in the form of a stipend check so I can have some income every so many weeks … well, when I get to the damn school and the first day of class … the instructor informs us that because of one student who did not come to rehearsal but took the stipend, none of us will get the money until December so he can take roll of who is coming and who is not. I WAS ENRAGED … FURIOUS BECAUSE HERE I AM, RECRUITED BY THE SCHOOL, THEY *ASKED ME* TO PLAY CELLO FOR THEM *BUT* THE KICKER IS THAT I DON’T GET ANY TYPE OF SUPPORT UNTIL DECEMBER BECAUSE SOMEONE (WHO I DON’T EVEN KNOW AND HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH) SCREWED IT UP FOR EVERYONE. What type of 5th grade bullshit is that? So now I am sitting in my classes with no books, getting bad grades, I can’t focus, and feeling depressed because I have no income because of this ludicrousness. And furthermore, I have been playing with the HU Orchestra for over a year … AND NEVER missed a rehearsal NOR a performance so my credit with the school is good, yet I am being *punished* like everyone else. Professor Bracey knows I come to ALL rehearsals. I have been there every day since September of 2003, 15 minutes early so I can get warmed up. NEVER missed a rehearsal. I am ALWAYS dependable and even did a private concert I did not have to do. And I was not even doing it for a grade, I did it because I love music and wanted to play.
But now I am so depressed about it, I can’t function. I have a test in Biology on Monday … a test in Math the following Monday and I don’t have any goddamn books to even study with. Yeah, I take notes but notes can only do so much.
I asked my so-called *dad* for some money towards books and he told me he did not have any money. I don’t even know why I asked him for that when he has not bought me anything in my entire life. But on the flip side, he manages to find money to buy beer and weed at his earliest convenience and keep a bitch on his shoulder. Can you spell LOSER backwards?
So I don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t. I started putting up flyers to repair computers so I can get some type of income going for myself because this shit is booty. It really is. And if you are wondering why I am cussing so much this is the reason why. I can’t focus on my studies because I have no books because I have no income. It’s absolutely ridiculous. ANd my Mom can only do so much because she is paying for my sister to get her GED AND expenses towards her two kids. My Mom says she can get a book for class this week and then another her next payday which is in two weeks but by then I will be heading into midterms and that is just wayy too late.
I take 16 credit hours at school so basically I have no time to do anything. My day begins at 7am, I wash my ass, try to get goin and head out the door at 8:30 am and get to school around 8:40 if the traffic is promising (usually it’s not). It is still hot here so after I fish around the parking lot for a space in the infinite sea of parking spaces, it take me about 10 minutes on foot to get to my first class (yeah the campus is THAT big)because its on the OTHER side of the campus. So by the time I get there I am out of breath and sweaty. My first class is Aural Theory & Keyboard so in a nutshell, I am learning to sing … I have never carried a note in my life. We do all that DO-RE-ME shit but its like learning the complicated version of it with solfeges and step-wise. The instructor gives us a scale and we have to sing it (by ear) from the tonic note to the octave without screwing it up. Getting to the point … it’s hard as hell. WE sound like a bunch of drunk harmonizing monks to me.
Second class is Biology … it’s a whole lot easier than Aural Theory. Third class is Math which is a whole lot harder than Aural Theory … I never was a Math guru past Algebra. The hardest thing about Math is that, believe it or not, the Math instructor sounds similar to the guy in those Clear Eye commercials. You know the boring man with the monotone voice? Oh yeah, so Math is like Fight Sleep City especially since it comes after lunch. I also take Written Music Theory, which is fairly easy, Biology Lab which is hard because I cannot understand what the instructor is saying and I don’t like his teaching style. Then I have private cello lessons but the down-side to that is there is no cello instructor so basically we are handed a book and told “play it”. There is only one cello instructor which teaches at Norfolk State but the downside to that is he is only taking two students from Hampton University and they have already been chosen simply because I was not told that this man even existed which ironically turns out to be my beginning cello private instructor when I was 11 years old, Dr. Herbison.
You see this is my whole damn problem. I have NEVER had an instructor who taught me cello. I always had an instructor who played violin and then threw music at me and expected me to play it … Yeah, I can play the music, but no one could never tell me where the fingerings were in 3rd position and higher so I have been left with ill-confidence and bad playing habits (which are hard to break). I am paying these people $13,000 a year and I feel that my education should be the epitome of excellence. Just like, last class he says we are going to learn “thumb positions” but okay … he never told us WHERE to put our thumbs. [eye roll]. I don’t feel confident about this at all. I really don’t. I have a really bad taste in my mouth about all this and I have a feeling I am going to end up with a lot of bad grades in a lot of classes because I am at a disadvantage because I have no money to afford my books.
I am starting to think I should have just went to the local community college this year. Screw Hampton University … it’s only for the rich and lucky. That’s kind of messed up because that means that a good education is only reserved for the rich and lucky. When an employer looks at a resume and sees Thomas Nelson Community College and compares it to another that says Hampton University … he is more likely to choose the one with Hampton University simply because of the school’s high graduate success rate. Or better yet, he is more likely to choose Yale over Hampton University or Julliard over Hampton University because of the reputation, not necessarily the grade because he won’t know your grade. Believe it or not, when you go to college you are paying for the name and reputation … not the education. Believe that.